Control: Bachelorhood — Or, Why I Don’t Date
I, Dalton Lewis, am single. Being a wonderful, capable bachelor is difficult, but I manage to stay single. Getting married sounds like something terrifying and difficult. I am not an incel — someone who wants to date but feels that he cannot because he is an unpopular, fat nerd. No, I am an unpopular, fat nerd. That is true. I don’t want to date, though. I want to lose weight and succeed as a writer. Those are my current goals.
Why don’t I want to date? It sounds great, dating. It sounds great. I am in the right, though, not wanting to date. It’s right to work on art. Work takes precedent over dating. Dating at 300 pounds is bullshit. I don’t want to date anyone until I lose weight and make it as a writer. That’s when I want to date. Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened.
Writing is crushingly difficult. I don’t know what is wrong with the words that I work like crazy on. I don’t know why my novels don’t work, don’t resonate with audiences. I’ve compiled a list of reasons why I don’t date.
- I’m not comfortable with my body.
I’m not. I don’t like my body very much. I look into the mirror and see a fat person. I don’t want to be fat; I want to be healthy. I have trouble walking up stairs. I remember walking up the stairs to the video game arcade and getting tired making it to the top. The same happened when climbing the stairs at a movie theater. I get tired. I need to get past that, to get into better shape, to be able to walk normally and not get cranky or tired or winded.
2. I’m not comfortable with my job — or lack thereof.
Being unemployed sucks. Not making money sucks. I sit at home, guilty that I have a place to stay, guilty that I have food, guilty that I spend money. I remember when I worked hating it but feeling like I participated in my personal economy instead of living off of others. I know; I’m mentally ill. I have paranoid schizophrenia that has caused me to be fired countless times. I know; I am the crazy person. I just think that I should help out.
3. I don’t trust potential romantic partners.
Paranoid schizophrenia means not trusting strangers at all. I don’t know that I can trust anyone at all. When I meet new people I don’t know or understand them. The potential partners for me are fortysomething divorcees, right? Why did they get divorced? Why aren’t they with someone? Why do they see something in me? Until these questions are answered I don’t understand why I’d date that person.
4. It’s expensive.
Dating costs money, and I don’t want to increase the money that I spend. Potential partners mean more interactions at places that charge money; money is something that I don’t have a lot of.
5. I lack the self-confidence to get out there.
This is self-explanatory. I just want to build up some confidence before heading out there.
6. Despite all this, I am a smart, hardworking, wonderful person, and I’m not sure that someone would realize all that about me.
I deserve someone wonderful. Writing a blog takes effort. Being a good person takes effort. This doesn’t come easy or free. I believe that, if the right person is out there, that I will find her.
Thanks, and take care, friends.
