Control: Cobenfy, Part Two…
I, Daniel Trump, aka Dalton Lewis, was done with blogging for a while.
But then something happened.
A couple of you read a couple of blog entries.
So I’m writing a few more.
We’ll see how this goes: writing a short blog entry every day for a month. I missed a day or two but I don’t think that matters very much.
Paranoid schizophrenia has crippled my mind and body for twenty years, but recently something has changed that I wrote about earlier. I am on Cobenfy. It’s a new anti-psychotic that has changed my mind. I can pay attention to the world around me.
It doesn’t get rid of all of the stories in my head or the “voices.” It just makes me pay attention to the real world more. I can hear the world more effectively. Realizing what I am doing and thinking about my actions becomes more possible. Before Cobenfy I would just do things without thinking about them in my surface thoughts.
Now I contemplate my life and my choices. I think about my food options a little more — not completely but a little more. The stories that I write — I plan them out a little bit more. The planning and the construction of a novel — it seems to me that planning has to happen. Planning a novel needs to happen because I don’t think that my novels have been very good, and I haven’t planned them out very well.
Sitting around at home is a lot of my life. Reading and writing and playing video games and watching television and movies is my life. My meds make it so that I notice that now. I have friends. They hang out with me once or twice a week. That’s fine. We text regularly and talk on the phone every once in a while.
Do I have the worst life of all time?
Not at all.
I know; I have a debilitating mental illness that makes it hard for me to have a positive and normal life. Still — video games and books and movies and television are fun, and writing is a fun activity even if it doesn’t yet pay the bills. I get to play games with toy soldiers with my friends a couple times a month. That’s fun.
Do other people have more than me?
Absolutely.
Do I get mad at them or jealous of them?
A little.
I’d love to have millions of dollars, but that’s not happening right now. Not enough people buy my books. The project that is happening in my head every once in a while doesn’t turn into a real movie or television show. That’s okay. I get to write books, and some people read them. I’m grateful.
Is life wonderful?
Yes, life is a wonderful experience.
But it’s also a terrible one, one in which I talk to voices in my head regularly and fail at my chosen profession. Being single at 47 isn’t something most people would want either. And I’m not rich.
The reality — life is a place with both great and terrible things — is the truth. I hope to enjoy the good and overcome as much of the bad as possible. I just don’t like the reality of who succeeds and who doesn’t — and who is in charge and who isn’t.
Thanks, and take care, friends.
(You can buy my book on the link below if you want.)
