Control: How to Write a Bad Novel from a Failed Author — Guaranteed!

I, Dalton Lewis, have written plenty of bad books, and I’d love to share you my insights from the experience. I have written bad horror novels about slasher killers in the Chicago suburbs, sci-fi novels about the year 2100, and even a realistic novel about life with schizophrenia. How did I manage that, you might ask? How did I manage that level of terribleness? I’ll tell you.

I didn’t plan things out very slowly and carefully. When writing A Worship of the Dark Gods I just started writing about characters I cared about. I introduced a transgender character without any real idea where the character would go or what would be problems for her. Planning wouldn’t help me at all — remember that these are bad books that we are carefully crafting. My wonderful sister said that the books contain great scenes but don’t develop a story from chapter to chapter. When I wrote My Little Paradise Richie said that my main character learned a lot of lessons at the end of each chapter and then forgot about them during the next chapter. A lack of planning helped me to develop a story that didn’t work.

I ranted. Ranting sounds great on principle but doesn’t work in practice. Writing requires scenes in today’s meta, not rants and descriptions in the general. You can’t just scream at the page, scream that you care, scream that this matters, scream that this means something important and vital to you, something that you love, something about the truest love that you have ever felt. You can’t just care — just caring isn’t enough. You have to show them your caring. You have to show them your passion.

I didn’t have enough dramatic conflict between the characters. In Impressions of Suburbia it’s the good guys against the bad guys — there’s no conflict between the people, just them against a cartoonish villain. I needed bad guys who weren’t just blindly evil. Bad guys need to charm you and convince you to admire their causes and reasons. They can’t just enjoy killing their own goons and want to hurt people and take over.

I didn’t build an audience and convince them to give my novel a chance. I just published and prayed that someone would buy my book. It didn’t work. No one noticed my books. I sold half a dozen copies, tops. I didn’t get the word out about my book. I didn’t advertise effectively. I didn’t tell everyone at a club that I bought a book and that they should try it.

I wrote by just getting every idea onto the page and then let it be. I didn’t plan out irony or symbolism or anything like that. Irony and symbolism would have elevated my story into something greater, something with deeper meaning. I need to do something better, something with substance. Symbols show how great and important a story can be.

It turns out that I did a lot wrong — learn from me. Don’t make these mistakes. Remember to write more effectively. Don’t make stupid mistakes. Write more effectively.

Thanks, and take care, friends.