Control: Shang-Chi Predictions…

I, Dalton Lewis, hereby choose to make predictions about Shang-Chi, the next movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It stars some handsome guy as a good fighter with a heart of gold who reluctantly saves the day. He will probably have one-liners and fight injustice. Here’s my list of predictions:

1. Shang-Chi will save the world, or a significant amount of it, from a gigantic and terrible threat. This threat will be so cataclysmic so as to threaten thousands or millions or billions of lives. He will save said lives primarily with punching and kicking.
2. There will be an initial villain and an eventual villain. The initial villain will be obviously villainous and the eventual villain will be more sympathetic and a surprise to the audience. This eventual villain should be in more than one movie but will fizzle out after the first movie.
3. The movie will be the very definition of PG-13. It will have no blood or nudity or uses of the word fuck. It will have no rape and only violence which is clean and sterile. The MCU, in fact, pretends that rape doesn’t exist — or only exists in metaphor. It will couch its horrible violence in metaphors — like when Thanos abuses his daughters.
4. Awkwafina will tell many a funny joke. None of this will be offensive or challenging at all or push any boundaries.
5. There will be one or two cameos from other Marvel characters and a joke or two about the Avengers but no big crossover.
6. There will be a ridiculous — ridiculous — amount of martial arts action. The main character will fight many people.
7. There will be at least one fight in which a good guy fights another good guy without any seeming kid gloves or pulling punches.
8. The Mandarin will be kind of evil but not totally evil. He will be redeemed in the end and will even save his son Shang-Chi.
9. The big set pieces planned in advance of the script will have virtually no story compared to the character scenes — which will be well-written and directed by someone who had little to do with the action scenes.
10. Someone will tragically die — maybe a mom or a sister or a girlfriend, and Shang-Chi will become very sad and need revenge.

That’s my predictions — we will see when the movie comes out in a week if my predictions are correct.

Thanks, and take care, friends.