Control: Superheroes!

I, Dalton Lewis, need a superhero. I think about reality and all that is in it. I need someone to fly in the air without a dangerous jetpack. Superheroes shoot eye beams from their eyes, right? That’s absolutely necessary to save me. Super strength would also be great. I need someone to…what the hell? I don’t see why eye beams would help me at all. I don’t know any bad guys — supervillains or anything. I don’t need help lifting anything very heavy either.

Why do we need superheroes in our lives? To save the galaxy from a big purple guy who can destroy half of reality with a snap of his fingers? I don’t know any purple aliens, so we can cross that one off the list. Do we need someone to shut down the people running secret organizations within the government which worship a strange snake god? No? I don’t know of any. I know a guy who went to college with me who dispels these myths and conspiracy theories, and he probably doesn’t think snake gods have infiltrated the CIA, FBI, or any other alphabet agency.

I know! I need a superhero to see the future and get me a job. That would be nice — a high paying job for a mentally ill novelist with no recent job experience. I should write a blog for some company that needs to advertise its products with subtlety and ineptness; I think that I can ineptly advertise some stupid product through an inane and pointless blog. Ha.

So a Professor X type would be really, really great. I also could use someone who sees the future to cheat outrageously and make me some easy money. Money isn’t easy to come by in the real world and having plenty of it would be great — thanks. And I guess that the guy who can fly can fly me around to gaming stores without having to pay the twenty dollar fee for a driver to drive me to the store. Thanks. I don’t have to tip the superheroes who fly me to the gaming store, do I? Because that would really be a deal-breaker. Got it? Good.

Just remember that all these superpowers can’t be given to the bad guys in the world, okay? The last thing we need is a drug dealer or serial rapist with eye beams or flight. An unkillable bad guy who can teleport would be awful, too — he would just teleport out of any prison and wouldn’t take damage. I suppose the cops would just have to knock him out.

I don’t know why we want these powers. They don’t seem necessary to one’s life. I just think that they are fun for fiction but unnecessary in reality. I don’t need eye beams — I might hurt someone. If I fly and crash into something that would hurt very badly. Being unkillable would be nice, but what if I get buried or something by the unkillable supervillain? That would be awful, to be in the ground and unable to die. I just think that powers aren’t very necessary. Discuss, or not, as always.

Thanks, and take care, friends.